Reflections on Being White

Sorry in advance that this post is long, but since I haven´t written anything in a while you are obligated to read it if we´re friends.
The city of Moyobamba has about 50,000 people and it is the biggest city around. Of these 50,000 there are currently 5 other white people if I counted right. Everywhere I go I stand out. I also happen to be about 4 or 5 inches taller than almost everybody. This is the most I have ever stood out in my life. In just 4 short weeks, this constant reality has effected me much more profoundly than I had expected it would.
Being one of the only white people here means that I represent the United States and I am represented by the media from the United States. Being from Southern California and having a fiance named Pamela has brought a few harmless comments about Baywatch, but my host brothers also call me Michael Douglass, Michael Jackson, and Michael W. Smith. Most people here have cable, which includes many channels in English with Spanish subtitles as well Spanish channels. They see white people on T.V. every day but rarely in person.
I have had several conversations about U.S. politics and foreign relations with people here. I have actually been surprised to find that they are not as angry about U.S. policies as I had expected. I think there are several reasons for this. 1. In Argentina last summer Argentines were very opinionated about how bad the U.S. has been, but Argentines happen to be very politically opinionated people. 2. Our political leaders haven´t done anything new in a while to really upset the world. 3. Everybody loves Barack Obama. So it has been nice to not be blamed for some war or trade policy that I don´t understand. A good friend of mine actually found himself defending Dick Cheney of all people in Palestine because a man was telling him that Dick Cheney is Jewish.
When I am walking around town or in a smaller city 40 minutes down the road, it's much more unsettling to be white. Kids sometimes laugh and stare, especially if I'm in their school. Drunk men will yell at me or stand too close to me and talk to me or ask for money. There is a man who is always selling sunglasses. Every time I turn him down, but he tries again next time he sees me. He knows I have money. Sometimes people stare when I walk and I don't know what they're thinking. Sometimes I feel like they are trying to intimidate me. I went for a run in the afternoon a few days ago and people yelled "Hello! How are you?" or "Gringo!" as I ran.
Moyobamba is a very safe city and I continue to find that people do not mean me harm even when they yell things like this. However, this is still a first for me. I don't want people to look at me and make assumptions, even if they´re right. They assume that I don't know Spanish very well, they assume that I haven't been here long, they assume that I am Evangelical, they know I have money, and they're pretty sure I'm no good at soccer and can´t dance. I actually have been getting quite angry at times. It is a new kind of anger that I don't think I have ever felt before. I had known that I was privileged before. I knew that being white, male and fairly well off meant that I enjoy privileges which others do not. But I really couldn't imagine what it would actually feel like to not be the majority. I don't claim to understand the lives of minorities in the U.S. now, but I think I am beginning to understand things which I couldn't before. If I have felt angry for feeling judged or that people want me to leave after 4 weeks here, then it must be much more difficult to be actually marginalized for one's whole life. There have been so many times in my life when I have seen somebody different from me and I have felt afraid. I look down and tense up as I try to act casual. I think I've been realizing how aware people are of this. They know when I feel uncomfortable around them. When I notice people look at me differently here it can make me frustrated and angry. However, people do not fear me or marginalize me. I am certainly not powerless. They laugh at me or stare at me, but they also include me in their lives and accept me. While I have surprised myself with my frustration and even anger at times, I believe that this is very good for me in the long run. It´s an important part of the journey, even if it´s painful. And being accepted despite being so different has been one of the most rewarding things I could ask for.

I will end this post with 2 quotes from Henri Nouwen which my professor sent us as encouragement.

“One of the most rewarding aspects of living in a strange land is the experience of being loved not for what we can do, but for who we are. When we become aware that our stuttering, failing, vulnerable selves are loved even when we hardly progress, we can let go of our compulsion to prove ourselves and be free to live with others in a fellowship of the weak. This psychological perspective on culture shock can open us for us a new understanding of God’s grace and our vocation to live graceful lives. In the presence of God, we are totally naked, broken, sinful, and dependent, and we realize that we can do nothing, absolutely nothing, without him. When we are willing to confess our true condition, God will embrace us with His love, a love so deep, intimate, and strong that it enables us to make all things new. I am convinced that, for Christians, culture shock can be an opportunity not only for psychological healing but also for conversion.” (Nouwen, Gracias, 17).

“So, maybe the question is not how to cope better, but how slowly to allow my unchanging character to become a way of humility and surrender to God. As I recognize my fears of being left alone and my desire for a sense of belonging, I may gradually give up my attempts to fill my loneliness and be ready to recognize with my heart that God is Emmanuel, ‘God-with-us,’ and that I belong to Him before anything or anyone else. And so a new vision of maturity may emerge; not a vision in which I am more and more able to deal with my own pains, but in which I am more willing to let my Lord deal with them. After all, maturation in a spiritual sense is a growing willingness to stretch out my arms, to have a belt put around me, and to be led where I would rather not go” (Gracias, 53).

-Michael

My Reasons

When I was first applying to the HNGR program I was pretty good at articulating why I wanted to do this (I think). Since then I haven't questioned my original intent much. So, in response to the question "Why are you doing this?", I guess the short answer is "God has called me. I just know. I have to go." Though, that isn't to say that I hadn't been looking forward to this experience or that I don't have specific things I hope this experience will do. I think it's good for me to recount some of the things I hope to gain from my HNGR journey.
I hope to experience poverty enough to not be able to wake up another day as if it were a dream. I hope to live with people and hear there stories and share life with them enough to not be able to ignore things that I have ignored for too long. I hope that living in this tension makes me more compassionate.
I hope to learn from Christians here. So far I've been humbled by their wisdom and passion to bring God's kingdom to earth in its fullness. They aren't perfect, but I have much to learn from them.
I hope, in my weakness, to become more dependent on the Lord.
I hope to learn how a Christian NGO in Latin America works and what they do.
I hope to see beauty and learn to have joy in the Lord despite the pain, hopeless, and reasons to despair.
I hope to learn Spanish.
Before leaving Wheaton, the outgoing HNGR students made a covenant. It expresses what is on all of our hearts well, and I plan to keep it central for these next 6 months.

HNGR Covenant 2008

As people of a broken world, we desire to see
God's kingdom with new lenses. In this kingdom,
we see power in the helplessness of an infant,
peace and restoration between God, humanity,
and creation, and forgiveness of debts through
Christ's declaration of Jubilee.

As a community, we commit to kingdom
obedience through:

Turning to the Lord daily,
Supporting one another in prayer,
Journeying this path with our fellow learners,
Remaining present in heart, mind, and body,
Rejoicing with those who rejoice,
Mourning with those who mourn,
Listening to the unheard voices and
knowing them by name,
Sharing the experiences of our journey.

In humility we confess our falleness and
recognize the barriers of privilege. As Christ was
not bound by the tomb, we will not be bound by
despair. In the hope of the resurrection, we fully
rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the
promises of Christ.
Lord have mercy.
Amen.

-Michael

My Internship

The organization I work for here is called Paz y Esperanza (Peace and Hope). They do great work but there aren't too many people working in the office right now because they couldn't get funding for more projects. I am working with 2 projects right now.

One involves helping to make churches more capable to take on some of the social and environmental issues here in Moyobamba and the Alto Mayo region. People here at Paz lead workshops for church youth (ages 18-25, so mostly older than me) who are future church leaders. The workshops regard servant leadership and calling, domestic violence (Biblical understanding of roles and equality; cycles of violence, legislation and rights; psychology and self esteem; and conflict resolution), and environmental impact (Biblical framework and local challenges). They also lead these workshops for pastors and adults. I'm very excited to see churches coming together to try to solve the problems here together.

The second involves just focused on the environment. A nearby smaller town is trying to improve problems there such as deforestation, lack of clean water, poor handling of trash and sewage. I've been reading long summaries of problems and proposals and things. I also went to visit the town today and have seen these problems here in Moyobamba as well. There are 2 beautiful look out points from the city to the river, jungle and mountains. On Thursday (Earth Day) I went to one of them to do this nature hike thing with the junior high kids (who all laughed at me for being white). When I looked out I saw at least 6 clouds of smoke rising from the jungle where farmers are burning trees to farm more. They are destroying the Amazon and they know it, but they are poor and there is a market for coffee. They have to eat. I don't know what the answers are. It's even a more complicated problem than I know yet, but hopefully I can learn more.

Honeymoon Stage

Finally I was able to upload some pictures. So, this is my house. It has an open courtyard in the middle and some of the rooms are open on that side. I sort of live outside. I love it. They can do that here because the weather is perfect and really really consistent. It will rain, but the temperature each day is always about the same; kind of hot during the day, and just cool enough for a sweater at night.

I have a host mom, 2 brothers (24 and 27), a friend of theirs and a 15 year old sister who live here. There's a few more who don't live here too.
I have gotten along really well with my family. People only have motorcycles here. There are hardly any cars. Alejandro, the 24 year old and I go out on his motorcycle and I teach him English and he teaches me Spanish.

My host mom is the sweetest and always sings when she cooks and cleans. She makes really good food too. Fresh fruit juice every day is nice.
It's really nice to feel so welcome here. I have felt insecure at times when out around the city. Yesterday some high school kids laughed at me and I get starred at a lot, but when I come home I'm so welcome.
Last night my host mom asked me about politics and Barack Obama. I think people here are pretty excited and surprised that an African American is the candidate in one of the major parties for president in the U.S.
My Spanish is coming along better than I'd expected. Understanding isn't so bad but speaking is rough.
Well, I have much more I could say. I haven't even mentioned work yet. But I don't want these posts to be too long and I have things I need to do. In summary, I'm doing really well here and enjoying myself. I'll try to post about work and some other things soon.
-Michael

Arrival in Moyobamba

I landed in Lima on Saturday night and stayed there until my flight this afternoon to Moyobamba. I did not articulate my expectations of my arrival at Lima well enough beforehand, but I know that things were very different than I had expected. There's really a lot to say already, but I think I'll save my thoughts and try to do topical posts later on after I've given things more thought and learned more.
I am at home now in Moyobamba and so far it's much better than I imagined. I need to get to bed so I'll describe it more later and I'll have some pictures. I think I will really like it here.
-Michael